As today was the original unveiling of the Night Tube, and due to the fact that I am a Northern Line regular from the deep south of London, I thought it would be a good idea to get some ground rules when travelling on the eponymous line, especially during rush hour. I know it’s like hell and we have to literally ram ourselves on but it would be great if people could observe the following rules:

1) You’re a banker, not a surfer. Hold on and don’t fall on me.

2) File in the carriage ergonomically. If you have a big bag, put it on the floor. Your legs are thinner than your waist.

3) No reading unless you’re sitting down. I know you want to read the latest in the Metro or the Evening Standard but I’d like my journey a tad more comfortable.

4) If you have children, do not take them on the tube. They have no financial obligations, they can wait.

5) If you don’t need to travel, DONT TRAVEL! There is no space for whatever you want to bring along.

6) I know you work in PR and it’s very important but you can wait like everyone else. I’m sure the press release/client will be fine.

7) If in doubt, stand still. The more you move and prevent me from exiting the tube easily, the more I’ll want to punch you.

8) You’re on the underground, you don’t need sunglasses. The only light down here is reflecting off your sweaty forehead.

9) If you’re travelling one stop, walk. Moorgate to Old Street – I can kick you that far if it helps?

10) Always keep moving; never stop when on the platform. I’m larger, I will knock you over.

11) I didn’t want Shortlist when I entered the station, I don’t want it when I leave.

12) Escalators – stand on the right, every other time, or unless the sign says otherwise, stand/walk on the left.

13) Couples – the commute is not the time to show your love and affection – do it before or after. I don’t need reminders of your happiness.

14) When people say ‘move down’, move! Don’t look at me like I’ve asked an existential question.

15) Don’t speak on the tube. Your ‘friend’ doesn’t want to hear about your story and neither do the rest of us.

16) Do not move until the train has stopped. You won’t get off any quicker and I will hit you.

Life’s a bitch, and then there’s the Northern line during rush hour.